Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
