Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
