I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
