Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she smelled like a LAN party
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
