Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
