mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
