Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
