All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
