Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
