I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
