I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
