i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
