I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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