if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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