My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
