Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
