I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
