from now on my penis is your penis
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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