I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
