for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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