I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
