he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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