I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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