My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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