Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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