One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
