do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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