btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
