I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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