Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
