Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
