Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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