Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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