Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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