a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
