the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
