Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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