She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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