I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
