Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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