If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
