Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
