Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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