Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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