My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
is wine microwaveable?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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