I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
