so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
