mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
