My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
