an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
