Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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