take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
