So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
