last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
